FABFQ: Frequently Asked Birthday Frog Questions

What’s a “Birthday Frog”?

Birthday Frogs are kinda like the Easter Bunny, or Santa Claus, or the IRS Refund Chihuahua … except you get a frog of your very own on your birthday. You don’t have to share it with the other 7.9 billion highly annoying people on this planet.

And unlike your standard holiday mascot, Birthday Frogs are real. They don’t need to hit every zip code in a single night, just yours! So run-of-the-mill squishy amphibians will do.

That’s why we call them “mystical” creatures. They’re mysterious, but there’s nothing magical about them.

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Why does this web site exist?

Does it really need to have a reason? Can’t some things be appreciated just for what they are?

… Oh, all right. Calm down, Mr FBI man.

This web site exists because a Birthday Frog is also a birthday card. Not one of those mass-produced bits of cardboard from the holiday-industrial complex, but a unique greeting thingie from a slightly oddball bookkeeper in Connecticut.

They were originally printed on paper and mailed to the lucky birthday persons. But thanks to economic and environmental concerns — not to mention someone with far too much time on his hands — the e-Frog Electronic Birthday Frog Delivery System (and this very web site) was born.

See, we even have a logo straight out of some awful 1990s library computer network. Happy now?

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Who’s behind all of this?

You don’t want to see how the metaphorical sausage gets made. You also don’t want to know who’s running the metaphorical sausage machine. 💻

It can only end in non-metaphorical tears, FDA inspections, and class-action lawsuits.

[Legal Dept note: We admit no wrongdoing.]

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Are your cards artisanal?

AAUGH!! Who let you people in here? Somebody tell the intern to bring me another ⛤⚡☠ beer.

Look, the “cards” are made of pixels, and every pixel is the same everywhere. We buy them in bulk, OK?

So no, your frog card wasn’t “individually handcrafted and baked in a wood-fired oven.” It was designed with off-the-shelf software, manufactured in China using cheap labor, and uploaded to a server rack in a generic suburban industrial park. Not artisanal.

But it does reflect the idiosyncratic humor of one particular human being, if that helps.

And if it doesn’t … well, ask us if we care.